I AM in THE movie.

First, a few rows ahead of us:

"Hello?"
Pause.
"Hello! Yes! MmHmm."
Pause
"No! NO! I'm in the movie. I'm seeing a movie."
Pause. Click. Ring.
"Hello? I'm in THE MOVIE. Right now. I'm in the movies right now. On the top floor."
Pause.
"What's wrong with you? I'm IN the movie. I'm IN a movie. A movie."
Pause. Click.
A few minutes pass.
Click.
"Tsk! TSK! I'm IN... THE... MOVIE. Upstairs. Right now. Come on! I'm seeing the movie."
Pause.

Then later, several rows behind us:

"Hello. I ordered a nice cake. And the cake we got wasn't right."
Pause
"It wasn't FUCKING right. Now I want a new cake."
Pause. Tap the seat.
"I'm going to need a new cake. And I better get one. And some ice cream too."
Click.

Other things that blew my mind while I was trying to focus on Flight of the Phoenix at the Court Street Regal Cinemas:

1) A man with a beard who wandered into the theater looking for someone he never found. He would walk from aisle to aisle staring up and down it, maybe trying to remember what it was he had lost. His search process was slow and deliberate.

2) The first person on her phone - a woman wrapped in a black robe, sitting few rows ahead of us - not only talking on her phone loudly and redundantly but walking in and out of the theater. It wasn't just that her conversation was loud. It was inarticulate. She was clearly trying to demonstrate her location to her cohort but could only repeat the same line (I'm in the movie) over and over again with different emphasis.

3) The man with the beard returning to our theater to continue his search.

4) Someone shining a laser light into Dennis Quaid's eyes. I'm not saying he didn't deserve it. But it was rude anyway.

5) At least two couples walking out of the movie 5 minutes before it ended. I mean, it was a bad movie but damn, you've sat through that much. You're really in that much of a rush? "Fuck these assholes trying to rebuild a plane and escape the desert, I've got to go broil that ham!" They didn't even look at the movie screen as they left.

In the end, I was giggling - veritably tickled with irritation. I've been to a lot of rowdy screenings where one or two of these things happened but never all of them. They pushed me all the way past annoyed to giddy. The man arguing about the cake was perfect. That one I enjoyed. Any one who is arguing with a baker FROM a movie theater AT 11PM at night is just crazy enough. Usually, talking on your cellphone during a movie at a high volume, to me, seems not so much crazy as mean and intensely oblivious. Yet many people still do it, with nary a dash of humility. They honestly look like they might not think it's wrong. Haven't you seen the 4000 commercials that warn you from talking on your phone during movies? Have you never seen a movie before? Who are you mad at? These people need to be followed, studied and placed under house arrest - allowed to leave only if they promise to sit quietly or have truly entertaining, borderline surreal conversations.