Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Someone Should Teach that Robot to Love!

I think it's high time I weighed in on one particularly sparkly, new movie: Taxi - starring Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah. I was just moseying past Madison Square Garden where a three story banner hangs down the arena's side on 31st. Street. There's always a bevy of made-by-committee movies that come out any given Autumn but the more I looked at this mesmerizing poster, the clearer it became this movie was made by a computer.

Hey, maybe it'll be awesome. I'm not one to pass judgment on a movie I haven't seen. Except that I am and often do. Actually, I think it's my right to pre-judge for eagerly bouncing into theaters to see the cheesiest mainstream stuff Hollywood serves. I'm getting better at skipping the most obvious candidates for forgettable moviemaking but there was a time when these big, glittery movies would leave deep scars. Seeing a special screening of Hook soured me forever on Spielberg - I even denounced Schindler's List without seeing it. And I'm proud of that particularly ridiculous stance.

But back to Taxi. Here's the pitch: Jimmy Fallon. Queen Latifah. A fast car. A robbery. Models. Models with guns. More fast cars. Queen Latifah showing Jimmy Fallon some 'tude. Jimmy Fallon showing Latifah some 'tude back. Car. Gun. Models. Bikini. CarModelsGuns. Maximum 'tude And... SCENE!

I guess what I'm saying is: This will be bad - a unique blend of contrived bad and energy suckage. In imagining its creation, I feel like variables were basically eliminated by a Studio supercomputer who hadn't yet learned how to love. Beepboop oscar nominee beeepfizzleboopbop hip hop star beepBEEP Queen Latifah. DingWhoopBeep. SNL Star Eeep.OOp.Beep. Brash comedic talent beeeeeeeeeeeep. Jimmy Fallon. Click. ModelsCarsGuns Click. Click. Moooooooooooovie.

On a similar note, here are some Bad Movies I tried that are worth double featuring or at least, pre-judging :

1) Resident Evil 2: Apocalypse
- I've never seen a movie written to sound more like a videogame. Characters pop in and out with important information a la narrative video game interludes.
- I just realized this is the second mention of RE2 in this blog. I am sorry.

2) Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
- Yawn but pretty. Couple funny lines. YAWN.

3) The Brown Bunny
- It's not so much bad as it is wildly self-indulgent which can be good except for the fact that it is mostly bad but interesting and therefore okay but bad. VG's BJ made me melancholy.



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