Samuel

My great uncle Samuel from Ozone Park is a navy veteran and an all around curmudgeon. He's expressed some interest in blogs and the internet in general but doesn't really have the wherewithal to get one going on his own. I told him he could write things down on paper and I would post his stuff here as sort of a 'guest blogger', just to get him started. He agreed:

"I've lived in New York City for a long time. People have gotten worse about waiting for the subway car to empty before getting on. It causes quite a traffic jam. Those doors are not big enough to let people out and in at the same time! I also don't like when people boarding the train stop right by the door and plant themselves, blocking other people from getting on. Step all the way in to the middle of the train! That's what the conductor always says. Maybe it's my time in the military that makes it easy for me to follow instructions. These young people don't listen. I see those police cadets on the train a lot though. They never block the doors. I think everyone should wear a uniform at some point in their lives. Like they do it in Israel. Mandatory service.

I see Asian people wearing surgical masks when they're out and about sometimes. I'm sixty-seven years old, smoked when I was younger, then quit with the help of my wife. My lungs are perfect, and I still run a mile three times a week. This is on New York City air I'm talking about. The air these people are apparently too good to breath. Who knows, maybe they're all doctors. I could see myself forgetting to take the mask off if I were a doctor.

I don't understand all this fuss about the We. They've had stuff like that in Japan for forty years. When I was stationed over there they had this thing where kids would dip their arm in a vat of mercury, and then they could control a black-and-white elephant on a movie screen and make him pick up peanuts. Now people are lining up to pay a hundred dollars for this crap. I just don't get it.

What gives turtles the right to have vaginas?

I saw a man on my morning walk this morning who was a flamboyant dresser. He had on plaid pants, a leopard print scarf, and a coat that looked all southwestern, like a blanket you might buy from some squaw off route sixty-six. He looked fabulous, and I wondered why I hadn't thought of it first.

Always remember to vote."

Well, that's it for now. I know he's a little off. Everyone knows the vote is fixed!