Friday, September 22, 2006

Let's go crazy!

Let's party like it's 5767!

Happy Rosh Hashanah.

Whoot! Whooooooooot!
That's the sound of da shofar!

Monday, September 18, 2006

Every 7 Seconds

They say the average man thinks about sex every seven seconds.

My new short video attempts to illustrate that fact.

You can find it HERE.

Thank you very much.

Friday, September 15, 2006

The Candidate

I'm writing to announce my candicacy for the U.S. Senate. Planned revisions to our way of life will include:

1. The carpeting of New York City in its entirety. This will improve our way of life dramatically, including but not limited to:

a. new-found ease in traversing the city wearing nothing but a robe and slippers
b. an employment boom due to increased need for vaccum operators
c. safer for the children, don't you think?

2. Existing subway lines will be augmented with a "thrill ride" option. Demands on natural resources will be lessened, as these new lines will operate primarily on momentum and looping spirals.

3. The need to have announced one's candidacy prior to a given party's primary will be abolished retroactively, once I am in office.

As an honest politician, I feel compelled to admit that my term of service, or rule, will focus almost exclusively on our metropolitan area, to the exclusion of our greener, more northerly climes. However I do take a singular interest in acquiring the sixteen acres where I grew up outside Port Jervis, New York (now subdivided and sullied by several family residences) and converting it to a State Park which only I and my dog can visit.

Good night, and God bless America.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

"Form Letter from God to Children"

September 1, 2006


To: Children, Earthly Plane

Re: Award year 2006-07

Dear Child (age 3 - 12) and/or Applicant on Child’s behalf,

I would like to thank you for writing me to appeal for divine intervention.

Your thoughtfully worded query and/or concerns demonstrate a fresh take on how the world I made for you works and what you need to succeed in it. It’s been great to get some feedback from the younger generations. I hear you.

Every year, I receive an inspiring number of letters, prayers and shouted pleas from a vast pool of eligible, children applicants. This year was no different as the number of pleas for varying levels of deliverance, salvation or worldly reward exceeded infinity. To my dismay, I am only able to offer a few candidates the salvation they desire.

Timothy Reed Smith (East Lansing, Michigan), Keisha Jackson (Newark, New Jersey) and Xu Hing Fei (Henan Province, China) were granted the ponies they applied for. James Whitaker (Juneau, Alaska) will find his request for a cancerous growth on his dog Ralph’s hind leg to be rendered benign has been approved. Marie Van Douten (Netherlands) will, in fact, not be grounded and Ali Al Hayed (Dubai, United Arab Emirates) can have ice cream for breakfast all week.

Unfortunately, at this time, I have the unenviable task of letting you know I am not able to accommodate your request. This is definitely the hardest part of my job. You might not believe it, but there are limits to omnipotence.

I strongly encourage you to pray to me again in the coming award year. I look forward to reading your future letters.

Best regards,